Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Facts of Life Offend My Son

Last Thursday, Drew came slamming into the house about five minutes after Natalie got home. Since I have lived with his father for over a decade, I know, that slam/stomp as well as I know my own eye-roll. Something was Wrong.

After shrugging out of his backpack and stomping into the room, I put down my book, took a deep mental breath (because, let's be honest - when something is Wrong with a Vasser man you need to prepare yourself for either hilarity, being horrified on their behalf, or bankruptcy -- sometimes all three) - and asked how Drew's day had been. This is the conversation I had with my ten year old son:

Me: So uh, what's up buddy?

Drew: I'm pretty much outraged.

Me: Did you get a horrible wedgie or poop your pants on the way home?

Drew: Mom, can you please be serious. This is Serious Business. (deep breath) Today, in school, the school YOU send me to, they showed me The Video.

At this point, I remembered that, yes, Thursday was the day that the 5th grade class was to enter the wonderful world of puberty with the help of what can only be described as a ridiculous video that is made even more ridiculous by the fact that it is trying to tell ten and eleven year olds that it Is Serious. You know? Like when something strikes you funny at Church or a funeral, making the whole ceremony about trying not to laugh and also (if you've popped out a few kids or have IBS) trying not to void in the area of mourners or the Faithful. Anyway, you get what I'm saying, I'm sure.

Me: (in a more cheerful mood than was obviously called for or appreciated by my son) So, you learned about puberty! That's great news, because now you know everything. No surprises for YOU, huh?

Drew: (whose ears have at this point have turned purple instead of the cherry red reserved for anger or embarrassment) I'm NOT kidding around! They took all of the boys into this room, they gave us a piece of paper, and told us NOT TO LAUGH. Anyone who laughed was sent to the Principle's Office. Then they showed us The Video. And some people went to the bathroom during The Video so they actually ASKED QUESTIONS when they came back. In front of everyone there. And the teacher looked at me, but MOM - I WAS NOT LAUGHING! Not even a little bit, because there is something I haven't told you yet. (at this point, he had decided to pause for breath because, obviously, he was pretty worked up about this whole situation.)

(also at this point I was getting pretty excited about telling Daverd about this conversation when he got home, and trying not to laugh as it had been a while and two Diet Dr Peppers since I had last used the bathroom...)

Me: Well, what else?

Drew: (and here I am not exaggerating, this kid looked at me with such sympathy, I was worried that the video also included footage of someone torturing Jeff Probst) Mom, The Video....(deep breath)...was made by....DISNEY!!!

Obviously, my son knows how much I love Disney because he winced after saying this sentence. I'm pretty sure that he was ready for me to burn all of our Disney DVDs and other paraphernalia in outrage.

The conversation that followed lasted about an hour and I was able to calm Drew down, his ears went back to a slightly pink color and he asked me never to talk to him about this again. Until he brings it up. I didn't officially make that promise because, if I'm being honest, I know I'm going to say something in the future about this situation (and obviously blog about it...)

Here's the thing, while Drew stomped and stormed into the room like his father, his OUTRAGE over The Video just screams of something that I would do. I do tend to get outraged about things very easily. While my ears don't turn purple, I take things that offend me personally pretty seriously. (I still won't see anything with Angelina Jolie in it). So, while my son doesn't look like me and has some MAJOR Daverd traits, he IS my son. I'm actually pretty proud.


  1. oh my heavens! I have tears in my eyes from this. I can just imagine this entire exchange!!! too funny!
    Do they still show that horrid video we had to watch?

  2. Sara S.11:14 PM

    Lol, I remember those videos. I got to view one in grades 4 and 5. Poor guy, hope his day got better! :)

  3. Anonymous8:51 AM

    Hilarious, but poor Drew since he had to go thru it. Tell us what Dave said!

  4. Dave's reaction wasn't all that it could have been, although he does have a lot going on outside of Puberty talks. When Natalie has HER puberty video, I'm pretty sure Daverd will have a mild stroke and/or heart attack.