Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Three Years and Counting

First, you'll have to forgive me. I am much more emotional than I thought I would be today. It started out great, but I have been crying for the last two hours. This will not be as insightful or well written as my first year "liver-versary" post, but it is real, raw, and what I am feeling now.


I can't believe it has been three years, and I'll admit that I am upset. For the most part I am angry at myself. I have been given this gift, and I don't have very much to show for it. I have absolutely been there for my children and have tried to be there for David, but I have ignored or pushed away any new friendships that may have come my way, as well as becoming difficult to communicate with to those who love me.

I am asking myself why I haven't done more with myself in the last three years? Why am I so scared of people? I have been seeing a new therapist and we are working on me. For the first time, probably ever, someone is calling me on my bullshit and helping me to really heal, become a better person, and begin to really live my life, instead of waiting until I get sick again.

Also, I think about the liver inside of me. Of the person who gave me this wonderful gift. I feel as though I am letting them down in so many ways. We still have not had any contact with the family of my Angel. I feel so sad for them on this day, I wish that I could show them the life that they have given me. My children make me so proud and I can't ever express how thankful I am that I am here to see them grow. I guess that might be why God decided to save me, so that I could be the mother that I knew my kids needed.

I can't write too much more. This is harder for me than you can imagine. I want to say thank you. Thank you to my husband, Dave. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. No matter what I am going through, he is there for me, and gives me more support and strength than I thought was possible.

For those of you who have been on this journey with me - thank you. Again, no one will ever know how much it means to me to know that I am not alone. When you tweet, facebook, e-mail, text, or call I feel as though there are people who still care about me, even though I'm not dying any more.

I'm going to end this by again thanking the person who gave me this life which I am trying so hard to live the right way. I wish that I knew you, I wish that I could hug and cry with your family. Your gift is something I will be forever grateful for. My prayers are with your family today.

5 comments:

  1. *hugs* you are worthy and deserve to be here. we love you so much!

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  2. Anonymous6:30 PM

    Kim hit it right on the button, you can't get any closer than that.
    If you never did another thing in your life the Mother you are to Andrew and Natalie is accomplishment enough. I've seen a variety of "Mothers" in my day and there are not a lot that compare with you.
    As for the rest of your thoughts I think you are to hard on yourself. I believe you are still healing and I see growth in you all of the time. Where would any of us be had we went through what you did? And with such grace. I for one am proud to know you and the person you are.
    I believe if you could meet the family of your Angel and express your heart felt feelings you would feel a lot better about this whole expreience. Whatever their reason that isn't happening. I know they would be so happy and proud to know the person that their loved ones gift has spared. Maybe someday.
    With everyday you get more comfortable with yourself and the second chance you have been given. This hasn't been any easy road but you are traveling it well. Be proud, I am and so are a lot of others. We DO love you so much!

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  3. Lissy8:51 PM

    awww aimee, you made me cry. i love you! and we will see ach other before you move, i promise you that!!!!!

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  4. You are just lovely. Be gentle with yourself, you're living more and doing more than you realize.

    xoxo

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  5. Awwwwh Aimee. God did save you for many reasons. Mother to your children, wife to David, daughter, friend... you are so many things to so many people. You don't have to save the entire world to be worthy of your life. What and who you are makes a huge difference to the people who love you.

    XOXOXOXO

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