First, you'll have to forgive me. I am much more emotional than I thought I would be today. It started out great, but I have been crying for the last two hours. This will not be as insightful or well written as my first year "liver-versary" post, but it is real, raw, and what I am feeling now.
I can't believe it has been three years, and I'll admit that I am upset. For the most part I am angry at myself. I have been given this gift, and I don't have very much to show for it. I have absolutely been there for my children and have tried to be there for David, but I have ignored or pushed away any new friendships that may have come my way, as well as becoming difficult to communicate with to those who love me.
I am asking myself why I haven't done more with myself in the last three years? Why am I so scared of people? I have been seeing a new therapist and we are working on me. For the first time, probably ever, someone is calling me on my bullshit and helping me to really heal, become a better person, and begin to really live my life, instead of waiting until I get sick again.
Also, I think about the liver inside of me. Of the person who gave me this wonderful gift. I feel as though I am letting them down in so many ways. We still have not had any contact with the family of my Angel. I feel so sad for them on this day, I wish that I could show them the life that they have given me. My children make me so proud and I can't ever express how thankful I am that I am here to see them grow. I guess that might be why God decided to save me, so that I could be the mother that I knew my kids needed.
I can't write too much more. This is harder for me than you can imagine. I want to say thank you. Thank you to my husband, Dave. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. No matter what I am going through, he is there for me, and gives me more support and strength than I thought was possible.
For those of you who have been on this journey with me - thank you. Again, no one will ever know how much it means to me to know that I am not alone. When you tweet, facebook, e-mail, text, or call I feel as though there are people who still care about me, even though I'm not dying any more.
I'm going to end this by again thanking the person who gave me this life which I am trying so hard to live the right way. I wish that I knew you, I wish that I could hug and cry with your family. Your gift is something I will be forever grateful for. My prayers are with your family today.